Learning to Trust
The curse of a deep mind is an obsession with reality. The deep thinker often faces constant stress mentally preparing for all the possible what-ifs of life.
Over the past several years, I’ve suffered a constant overwhelming fear of losing my parents. They’re both fine, but worst case scenarios can happen—God forbid—at any time of any day. While this thought process seems silly, it put me into a deep depression, because I felt I would be completely lost without them, having no one. This gave me constant nightmares and panic attacks. This all started when I fell ill with chronic illness. I became afraid that I’d never recover and never be able to hold a career in order to support myself.
It’s never been something I’d really thought to pray about, but after all this time, I finally found peace today. It all started when a coworker/friend mentioned wanting to adopt me. I chuckled as I told her I had heard that from a lot of moms. Not really thinking much of it, I went on with the day, but later I began to realize how much support I really did have in my life.
Because of things that happened in the past, I have extreme trust issues. As a result, it’s currently impossible for me to open up to anybody. All my life I’ve felt trapped and alone, assuming no one cares, regardless of how many have insisted they did. With my social inabilities, I felt like I couldn’t get anyone to understand what I was going through, and therefore being unable to receive any kind of help ever. But on my way to my recovery group tonight, I began thinking about all the people to whom I could go if my parents were both to pass from this world. The first people who came to mind were my pastor and his wife. I vividly imagined how the conversation would go; I would try to act strong, like I always do, try to speak, but then just break down a sobbing mess. As soon as I saw this in my mind’s eye, I broke down sobbing in my car: I AM NOT ALONE!
Immediately I realized that so many people have my back. The only reason I feel they don’t is because opportunities have never arisen in which they could prove themselves. Constantly, I think about crises in which I would have no idea what to do. What would I do if I got into an accident? If I killed a pedestrian? What if I got a flat tire far away from home or on my way to work or an important event? What would I do if I had to puke, but I couldn’t have access to a toilet or other appropriate place? I’ve never had experience in taking care of any of these situations. What if someone passes out and I’m the only one by them? I’ve never been around a drunk or physically abusive person; how do I handle them? How do I go to or take someone to the emergency room? How do I determine if something’s an emergency, either for myself or for another?
This brain, I tell ya . . . but this is why we need a wide circle of good friends. They’re great resources, aside from the camaraderie. “No man is a failure who has friends.”
aaron lee uninhibited 