Nice Guys Finish Last

My heart hurts.
It’s a dull, persistent ache—loneliness.

I know very well what I need in life, but achieving such things does not come overnight.  It’s friendship, close friendship.  I don’t have it.  I’ve tasted it, but those few times lasted no longer than a few months.  It was all short-lived, yet still . . . there was a large element of insecurity that lingered, tainting the relationship.

Years ago I thought the whole world hated me.  Then my thoughts developed into the whole world being stupid and selfish.  Now, I look at myself: what efforts have I made to pursue and maintain friendship?

I’ve never invited anyone over or out . . . ever.  This is no exaggeration.  For my entire life I’ve taken a backseat to whomever would let me tag along.  If no one invites me anywhere, I’ll spend my life buried in work, even if it’s errands that are completely useless—anything to take my mind off the loneliness.

I can’t describe the tremendous fear that overtakes when I see the whites of another’s eyes.  It doesn’t matter their sex.  It doesn’t matter if I’ve known them all my life (like my own mother).  It doesn’t matter whether I loathe them or secretly admire them.  I am absolutely and utterly petrified of intimacy.

A wild sense of humor and excessive servanthood are my protective personalities.  I will listen and do anything for anybody, make anyone laugh, but when it comes to real life issues, I freeze.  For nearly four years I’ve sat in on a weekly church recovery group and to this day I am scared to death to open up.  It’s a highly awkward situation given that this is a small group and that we’ve pretty much had the same people since the beginning, only a lesser crowd.  I’ve shared a few basic things.  The most I’ve ever shared was just recently actually.  All I said was that I suffer with great emotional turmoil and loneliness.  I shared that I have panic attacks whenever someone tries to get close.

It’s not my own personal will to constantly complain on certain social media sites, but the loneliness drives me to it.  Despite dozens of people who have constantly extended their offer of friendship to me, I haven’t taken up a single one of them up on it.  Part of my struggle now is the who— WHOM do I choose if I were to open up to someone?  I have so many options.  Because having a social life is completely new territory for me, I have terrible judgment.  We learn by mistakes, but because I never gave myself the opportunity to even make mistakes, it’s like a prolonged first day for me.

Every night when I go to bed, I vividly envision myself having a roommate/friend and talking to them about my day.  I’ll actually verbalize my words.  Heck, I even have them respond and talk about their days.  I’m age 30 and I still have imaginary friends—they’re real people, just the relationship with them is imaginary.  I pretend they’re actually there when they’re not.  We may not have even had an actual conversation before.  They may not even know I exist.  Anyone whom I may admire, I will spend up to hours engaging in a mental conversation with them.

This is all I have . . . some psychologists would call this my healing fantasy.  It’s a method of coping with loneliness or other issues.  I live my entire life alone.  I’m not present, hardly at all, with I’m actually with friends in the flesh.  I mentally check out or go completely ballistic with my witty humor.  Laughter, to me, means acceptance.  Yet as much as I can make people laugh, it’s never satisfying.  The relationships are shallow and short-lived.  When problems come along, I’m not even an option of someone to contact.

My life is completely boring.  I have two jobs.  And in my free time I read non-fiction books.  The only time I hang out with “friends” is occasionally going out to eat after church.  It’s strictly a matter of convenience, of being in the right place at the right time.  If I left in a hurry, no one would even think to call me.

I feel like I’m perceived as arrogant and selfish . . . That’s common for the socially anxious.

I worry that I’m never going to have actual friends, that I’m never going to move out of my parents’ house, that my love life will never exist.  What have I done to deserve this incessant monotony?  I don’t think it’s so much what I’ve done, but rather what I have not done . . .

I have no idea how to reach out.  It’s the hardest thing in the world for me simply to ask somebody a question.  I feel it’s much better to suffer loneliness than rejection.  I’m extremely sensitive, which I used to show, but now I hide that behind sassy humor.  I get extremely uncomfortable when someone says they love me, even casually.  I never know how to respond . . .

It’s hard for me to get excited about things when others are excited.  It’s hard to express my sympathy when others are sad.  I feel so heartless . . .

I don’t think there’s a single soul who takes me seriously.  I’m always overlooked and disregarded.  I’m always interrupted when I’m trying to actually speak.

Why do I even bother . . . ?

I have no problems with God . . . I love Him, He loves me; I don’t live in self-hatred or condemnation.  I feel close with Him.  I feel confident in the knowledge of His Word.

It’s people I have problems with.  Whenever I mention how alone I feel, people always give the same stupid cop-out answer: “But God never leaves you nor forsakes you.”

IDIOTS!!!

I’m tired of apologizing and being polite.  People who respond like that are patronizing insensitive jerks who just want to hear themselves talk!  They don’t even listen.  It’s all a spiritual game to them.  I’m just a game to win.  This kind of stuff comes from brainwashed people who don’t think for themselves; they simply mindlessly repeat what they’ve heard over and over, at what sounds good in the moment.  They don’t actually give a hoot about me; I’m just a pawn for them to try to earn a gem on the crown they’ll never get.

I believe strongly in Scripture, but nearly any idiot can read and recite.  Where’s wisdom!?  Where’s love and understanding!?  I will NOT play this game any longer.  I’ve been kicked out of enough places now to speak my dang mind!  If no one will listen, then I will shout it from the housetops until someone does.  Maybe that’s exactly what I should’ve done in the first place.

I have no respect for modern Pharisees and Sadducees.  I can’t do this anymore.  I’m going to start speaking exactly what’s on my mind . . . It’s going to be hard.  I’ve been afraid because I can be very harsh and cold.  The thing about growing up as a loner is that you’re not afraid to be alone; it’s become your comfort zone.  Why should I be afraid to lose someone I never even had in the first place!?

Nice guys really do get walked all over.
I should’ve listened.

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~ by aaronleemcgrew on August 31, 2017.

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